Show me a hero, and i'll write you a tragedy
by Somebody Once
Summary: Cal, Ethan and the results reveal... In the aftermath everything falls apart...
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note:** Oh bloody hell. Saddest episode EVER last weekend. I am so distraught. Knew it was coming for Ethan but they played it so much more beautifully than even I had hoped, it was better than fic and i'm so very glad about that. What an episode. I do hate that we always miss the immediate reaction and fallout though. And can i take the time here to apologise for not updating my other bro fic, life got in the way and I quit my job and i am now all over the shop so then the show took over and rewrote a beautiful way for the huntingtons diagnosis to come out. So here's my take on what happens after. It will be multiple chapters. There are so many rich ways they can take this story. Can't wait to see George smash it and what he and Richard do with this sad material.

* * *

"But the world moves on, even when you don't want it to, even when change feels like the end of everything. It never stops."  
― Ann Aguirre

Emilie's pulse is non existent between his cold fingers and Ethan gently takes his hand from her and looks away. Cal knows what that means. The wind rages around them, fierce and dominating filled with ocean spray. Ethan has suddenly never been more aware of anything in his life. He feels cold to the very bone. Cold, weary and totally bereft. His vision blurs and he doesn't know if it's because of his lack of glasses or his tears.

He becomes all too aware of everything, the ocean, his own pulse pounding in his ears, a vice like terror grip around his chest and the fact he's sitting in a wheelchair. The most horrifying irony. He feels sick. Sick and old and he needs to get out of that now. He hauls himself up by the handles of the chair and staggers to his feet. His legs can barely carry him and he shuffles to his feet. His hands shake. He should throw the results away, throw them away, then nobody needs to deal with this, nobody needs to face it. He has an absurd notion that if they disappear into the sea then the gene will go with it. For the briefest of moments he moves as if to throw the letter into the sea, but he stills himself. Collects himself for a second. No. No. He can't handle anymore secrets. He's so unbelievably over secrets in his life at this point. His hands shake as he folds the paper out, gingerly, eyes desperately hoping he'd been wrong. No, all there in black and white.

 _'Abnormal HTT expansion detected'_

His brain whites out momentarily. Cal must see something on his face. 'What?' he asks. Ethan can't say anything, couldn't form the words to say it.

 _I've tested positive Cal, i'm going to die a painful, slow, degenerative death. My life is over._

He shakes his head instead, settles for avoiding any kind of eye contact. He can't deal with anyone else's reaction yet, not when he hadn't even begun to process his own. Cal audibly gasps and Ethan can't be around for this. He can't fit anyone else's suffering into the space in his heart right now. He's too consumed with shock. Too full of the horror of this moment. He turns on his heel and he walks. Away from his dead mother, away from his broken brother, away from a future he'll never have.

With each step he feels the horror become more real as it begins to sink into his consciousness. Huntingtons. He had huntingtons. He had feared this outcome of course. But like Cal had so aptly named it he'd put it at the very far edge of the antiseptic ethan bubble. Hadn't really wanted to grasp the thought that he might have this disease. So there it stayed. Until he was ready to get tested, to take that step. He'd thought he had time, to process Emilie, the adoption, her dying, the test… he thought he'd have time.

Cal had taken that choice away from him. He had taken every choice away from Ethan in this and the younger man had no idea what to do with that molten hot rage right now. He should never have opened it. He should have lived in blissful ignorance and just never have known. He doesn't want to know. Oh god he doesn't want to know this.

What the hell is he supposed to do with this?

How can he be a doctor? How long can he still be a doctor with this sort of degenerative death sentence hanging over his head? Five years? Less? More? How old was Emilie when they'd been taken away? How young was she when this started? Was that why he'd been feeling so down and so dissatisfied with everything lately? Oh god what if it had already started?

His hands shake so hard he digs his nails into the palms of his hands. He's at the end of the walk now and he doesn't know where to go. He has no idea where to go.

He walks down a ramp and onto the beach. The beach where just moments ago he and Cal had laughed and chased one another and been ok, been sad, but ok. He feels like that Ethan from the beach died here, died right there with his mother. Sat in that godforsaken wheelchair, lying to her as she died.

He'd known, as soon as he got the envelope and tried to process what Cal had done, he'd looked out at the ocean for a moment and he'd known he would lie. Whatever the outcome Emilie would always think he was fine. It was a conscious decision. It made the most logical and emotional sense. Ethan was a statistic man. He knew the odds were very much 50/50 on this, but he knew which outcome he'd be giving Emilie before he'd even opened it. She deserved to die at peace. She deserved that final act. The only comfort he could give his mother, he owed her that.

His heart had stopped, the moment he'd read the results. White out. For an instant. A total white out. Then the noise of the waves came crashing in again and the weight of the air, the expectation, the disease, it all hung suspended on Ethan in that moment. And so he smiled. At the very worst moment of his life. He smiled. He schooled himself. He slammed down the floodgates. He put on the best performance of his life. _'I'm clear as well.'_

The relief on their faces. The pure happiness on Emilie's. He knew he'd done the right thing. Had hoped they'd leave it at that but Emilie wanted a story. A story of a future with a woman Ethan would never call, would never inflict himself upon now. And he couldn't talk. Cal had started to talk and then Ethan found himself picturing it. He could literally see Kate in his mind, stood in a wedding dress, _'ready to marry me Nibbles?'_ , he could see it as clear as day, and he could see Cal drunkenly embarrassing him with the world's worst best man speech, could see their daughter her tiny face nestled in the crook of his arm, for the briefest of minutes it all became real. And then it began to fade, began to vanish piece, by piece until all that was left was him, sat in that chair, hollow and fading into nothing.

Nothing.

He finally lets his legs give out and he slumps, back to the boardwalk wall, down on the sand. Staring at the sea.

* * *

'Ethan!' Cal shouts, trying to see over the board walk, 'Ethan!' his voice is shaking, stilted. Where did he go? Where did he go?

He can't see his brother. He can't see him anymore. He's panicking, heart threatening to beat out of his chest, he looks back at his mother. He wants to go after Ethan, every instinct screaming to help his little brother but he can't leave the dead body of their mother alone on a bench. He needs to wait for Ian.

He texted the paramedic, the name of the bay and a simple one word text 'come'. He'd be on the way now.

Cal didn't care. He didn't care about anything other than what Ethan had just told him, had just shown him really. He was consumed with grief and guilt. It was worse. It was worse than his mother dying. That might make Cal an unfeeling son but this was worse. His brother…the only person who'd supported him and stuck with him, his only brother, his little brother, oh god…

He was going to die. He was going to die like Emilie. Cal was going to have to watch that smart, beautiful, funny soul just wither away right in front of him. How could he do that? He couldn't do that.

 _'I run and I hide, cos that's what's in me Charlie'._

He wants to run. He hears his own voice telling the older nurse who he was. Ethan had always known who Cal was. How he dealt with these situations, who he was in this moment. He was the one who ran. Ethan was the one who stayed, the one who picked up the pieces, the one that humpty dumptied everyone back together again. That was Ethan. Cal turned his back. Cal walked away if he didn't run. That was Cal.

Stood on the boardwalk though, his dead mother lying in front of him, his poor, devastated little brother somewhere out there on that beach Cal couldn't bring himself to run. He couldn't do it. He owed it to Ethan, to Emilie to step up. He had to. They had nobody else.

Cal had ran for most of his life. Ran and never looked back. It was time to stop now.

* * *

Ian was fuming. He tried to pull himself together though. Jez sat beside him, mercifully quiet for once. Charlie was driving after Ian's foot injury. Ian tried to calm himself down. As angry as he was with Cal and Ethan their mother was dying and he was trying to remember that. What that must feel like. A mother they'd only just discovered was their mother. It was a little Jeremy Kyle here but he needed to be there for his friends. Didn't mean he wasn't going to smash Cal one later though. You don't just steal a man's ambulance.

Charlie pulled up alongside the ambulance and the three men jumped out. It was locked and Ian thanked god for at least that bit of common sense from those guys. Squinting across the bay he caught sight of a figure stood at the railing further ahead. 'I've got them Charlie!'

The three men strode across the boardwalk. The closer they got the more worrying the scene appeared. Ethan was nowhere to be seen, Cal was stood, clearly in some form of shock and Emilie was lying prone out on the bench. Oh no.

'Cal!' Ian cried, breaking into a swift jog. 'What happened?'

The younger man just shook his head wordlessly, eyes wild.

Ian knelt down at Emilie's side and reached over to feel for a pulse. He already knew though. He looked up at Jez and shook his head.

Charlie meanwhile was stood at Cal's side. He put a comforting arm around the shaking younger man. 'Oh Cal, I'm sorry'.

Cal seemed frozen, totally unable to speak. Ian had only seen a look in someone's eyes once before and that was when he was in the forces. Haunted, broken, someone who'd seen too much. Shock. He thought and nodded his head at Jez to go back to the rig. 'Go grab some blankets and the stretcher mate'. Charlie grabbed the keys from a still motionless Cal and threw them at Jez who jogged off back to the rig.

'Cal lets sit you down ok?' Charlie said quietly, nurses instincts kicking in. Trying to push the other man over to the lonely wheelchair. 'Where's Ethan?'

Cal's eyes suddenly widened, became to big for his face. 'Ethan…' he bent over at the waist, as if in pain, 'oh i…he…Charlie…'

Charlie straightened. 'Cal?'

'I can't do this.' Cal managed, straightening up again. 'I can't DO this Charlie.'

'Can't do what?'

'I can't help him. I can't watch it. I can't…' Cal's breathing was becoming faster and faster and Ian glanced at Charlie worriedly.

'Alright Cal mate, deep breaths ok?'

Charlie continued to hold onto Cal but he let go when Cal thrust shaking hands towards him which contained a letter. Charlie took it out of his hands. Eyes falling upon Ethan's name. And then taking in the result.

'Oh no. Cal…'

'He lied Charlie. He just lied to her…' Cal's voice was high pitched, clearly out of it. 'He did it so well. When did he learn how to do that?'

Ian was looking between them both confused now. 'What?'

'He let her die Charlie, he let her die thinking he was alright and I can't…I can't…'

Charlie sat Cal in the wheelchair, his own eyes welling up at the now obvious situation. 'Cal, listen to me, where's Ethan? Where is Ethan?'

Cal doesn't respond.

* * *

Ethan stares out into the sea. It's not a grey wall this time but he's completely unsurprised when it's Charlie who eventually sits down wordlessly beside him. Cal will have run. It's what Cal does. He might as well run now and save them both the needless heartache of hanging around to bail on Ethan later on.

It's all pointless anyway. He doesn't need anyone. He doesn't feel anything except totally and utterly numb.

Charlie gently places a blanket around Ethan's still form. Ever the nurse. Then he sits back, sits next to him.

'You don't have to say anything Ethan'. Charlie says quietly, just watching the water with him. 'You can just listen now ok?'

He's talking like Ethan's a wounded animal. Like he needs to coach him down. It's nice. It's gentle. It makes Ethan want to slit his wrists all over the sand before him.

'I can't begin to understand what you're feeling right now Ethan.' Charlie says softly. Eyes still on the sea. 'But can I tell you something, I see a lot of people in that hospital, a lot of people with awful illnesses and ailments and i can tell you now Ethan, they all wish they could have lived more life before they come in. Don't write your life off now, you could have so many good years before this comes, so many good moments, you're a young man, don't go assuming you have no time now. And think of all those medical minds around you? You're in the best place possible to hear of any breakthroughs in this research into a cure. I'm not saying it's going to happen. I wish I could give you that reassurance. But i can tell you we're here. We're all here for you and this right here is not the end for you son.'

Ethan's still numb. 'Ok'.

Charlie puts an arm around his shoulders then and it feels nice. It feels a little less lonely.

'Has Cal gone away yet?' His voice sounds quiet, childlike all of a sudden. Shock. He thinks.

'Gone away?'

'Did he wait for you to take Emilie away at least?'

Charlie's confused. 'Ethan, Cal's still there. He's just taking a moment. He hasn't gone anywhere. He hasn't left you.'

Ethan tucks his chin onto his huddled knees. 'Just a matter of time Charlie.'

'Listen' Charlie attempts, arm still around the young man's shoulder. 'Your brother isn't going to run away this time ok? He'll be here for you Ethan. If you let him.'

There's a naked pain in Ethan's eyes of the likes Charlie's never seen before. Eyes that have seen too much, gone through too much, know too much. He's an old soul Ethan. They cloud in disbelief as they stare at the older nurse.

'Then you don't know my brother Charlie' is all he says.

'Ethan…'

The next time Ethan looks back it's like a light's gone out and all of that expression, all of that torn up naked vulnerability is gone and there's nothing but a wall there now.

'I'd like to go home now'. He whispers. 'Can I go home now?'


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note:** You guys, thanks so much for the kind reviews. They are so appreciated and I love you all very much for them. Can't wait for Saturday's episode, I have definitely not been replaying the clip over and over again in anticipation ahem. Anyway chapter 2. Hope you enjoy. Thanks again.

* * *

 _"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one"_  
— Bruce Lee

Ian shut the door behind Emilie. He turned to a still silent Cal beside him. 'Sure you don't want to ride with us?'

Cal shakes his head, still seemingly in shock. He passes the blanket around his shoulders back to Ian but Ian pushes back 'mate you need it, for the shock.'

Cal exhales sharply but he knows, he's a doctor and he knows what shock looks like and what needs to be done for it and he grips the blanket back in his arms.

'I need to find Ethan' he finally offers, eyes hollow. Ian notes the way his eyes are surrounded by dark, dark circles. Cal looks destroyed and wrung out. And Ian has no idea how Ethan is or what the situation is here but there's clearly more going on than he's seen.

'Ok pal.' He offers, and hops back into the rig. 'We'll take her to Holby ok?'

'Look after her?' Cal asks quietly.

Ian nods, 'I promise I will.' And he means it.

* * *

Cal watches the ambulance as it grows smaller and smaller in the distance. He feels a thousand years older than the guy who drove it here a few hours ago.

 _'This is where it all began…'_ Ethan had said, lost in the story. Lost in the lie. Cal swallows down the grief. He doesn't want it to begin here. Doesn't want the final chapter of his brother's life to begin here, to begin now. His mind keeps replaying Ethan's expression when he'd opened the results, the smile, the frozen smile, how had he not known he was lying? How had he not known?

It's true Cal's always been a self involved person, he knows that he struggles sometimes to see passed his own issues but he does love his brother, and he knows his brother and he should have known that. Should have seen that heartbreak all over his baby brother's face. But he'd fallen for it, hook line and sinker, had allowed himself to feel this insane level of relief, this euphoric lifting of the dark cloud that had been hanging over him for months. The idea that both of them would be clear had been too much to hope for, even in his wildest dreams and in that moment he'd thought. Thank you. Thank you universe for giving us a break. Thank you for letting Ethan be ok.

It had been only right that the universe spare his brother, the most thoughtful, supportive, kindhearted individual he knew. Fate wouldn't be cruel to somebody as inherently good as Ethan. And that's what Cal had been comforted with as he listened to Ethan's story. Listened to the stoic, beautiful way he told that to Emilie.

But the universe wasn't good to people like Ethan was it? It chewed them up and spat them out and broke them into pieces and staring at those results, that was all Cal could think.

It's so unfair. It's just _so_ unfair.

The ambulance disappears 'goodbye Mum' he offers quietly to Emilie. 'I'll take care of him ok?'

Then he makes his way down the boardwalk to face his little brother.

* * *

Charlie's worried about Ethan. He's more than worried about Ethan. He's downright horrified for the young man beside him who's whole life appears to have crashed down around his young shoulders. He can't let him see that though. Over the past few months he's developed a soft spot for these boys. Perhaps its the lack of fathering he's been able to succeed at with Louis but seeing them so desperately struggling and in need of guidance had sparked something in him. A paternal need to help.

Ethan's not shaking. Beneath the arm Charlie still has draped around his shoulders he's not shaking. That worries Charlie. Shock can be at its most severe when the patient stops shaking. Ethan is still and frozen beneath his arm. Charlie wants to take his pulse, it's the nurse in him he supposes.

Ethan doesn't seem to notice as he detangles his arm from around him and takes the young man's pulse. It's rapid and Charlie pulls the blanket more snug around his shoulders.

Suddenly there's a crunch in the sand behind him and Charlie turns.

Cal.

* * *

Cal doesn't know what to say. Confronted with the sight of his baby brother huddled under a blanket, a vacant look on his face, he's suddenly thrust instantly back to his childhood where a 2 year old Ethan stares up at him, desperate for him to fix his toy rabbit that was missing an ear. The same vacant look in his eye.

Cal can't fix anything this time. He can't just wrap his arms around Ethan and make the pain go away. Not this time. There's no fixing this. No fixing this horrendous disease that's destined to take his brother apart one way or another.

Cal steps around Charlie and just takes a look at his brother. Ethan might be sitting there physically but he looks mentally checked out. Cal's eyes immediately go to his chest and he's reassured to see the familiar breathing movement.

When Ethan was little he had a dangerously worrying way of holding his breath when he was upset. If he wanted his way, if he was hurting, he'd just sit there and hold his breath and his little face would turn redder and redder and you'd have to shake him hard to snap him out of it, it had scared Mum and Cal to no end. Their father had had no time for it and would simply shake Ethan aggressively till he snapped out of it but Cal and their Mom had often been left terrified and shaken by how far the little boy could go to clamp down on his feelings. To shut down.

It was a trait Ethan had long since grown out of but Cal still found himself watching Ethan when he was under stress and noticed the way he'd catch his breath for a moment and then swallow it down and continue. He never forgot it, the way Ethan's eyes would become vacant for a moment as he disappeared inside himself, took himself away along with the oxygen.

Cal's chest aches, deep and hard. Why couldn't it be him? Why couldn't he have been the one who tested positive. He'd have taken the result in a heartbeat if it meant Ethan was free of it. Ethan's the good one. Ethan's the one with the heart and the kindness and all the generosity. Cal deserves this. He deserves it more than Ethan. So much more. But life isn't like that. It's no kinder than the universe is. It doesn't reward the good guys. More often than not they're trampled all over and staring at the lost form of his little brother he's slapped right in the face with that fact.

Charlie looks over at him and Cal nods imperceptibly. He gets to his feet and moves away allowing Cal to move in. Cal slowly sits down next to his brother. He places an arm around his shoulder. Ethan doesn't move, doesn't react. He stares out at the sea. Lost, vacant.

Cal holds his breath like Ethan of old and wishes this wasn't happening. He's never been good at holding out though, at the endurance, has never been able to internalize and clamp down like Ethan has. Eventually his lungs scream and he has to breathe and as he opens his mouth to take a breath everything rushes back with the air. His body shakes and shakes and tears fall, leave wet trails on his cheeks. Ethan is silent beside him.

'Oh Ethan.' Cal offers. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry'.

* * *

When they were small Ethan and Cal used to make these cardboard talking devices out of wrapping paper roles. They'd cut them up and talk to each other across their bedroom and they thought it was the most novel idea ever. It had been hours of amusement for two small boys. Cal being the oldest would get very bossy and snap at Ethan constantly on how to cut them into the right shape.

When he managed it with his pudgy child fingers he'd raise the cardboard to his ear and listen and Cal would speak through it and it would always be distorted, far away, clearly Cal, definitely his big brother but wrong somehow, pitch strange, distant. It's the same right now.

'I'm sorry' his brother is mumbling, 'i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry'. His body shakes next to Ethan but it sounds like he's far away. So, so far away.

Ethan hasn't got it in him to feel anything, to offer any comfort. He's numb. He's just numb. All the sorry's in the world isn't going to take this away. Cal's sorry, Charlie's sorry, everyone's sorry but Ethan's the one who lives and dies with this. Ethan's the exploded bomb that's detonated. He can't put the pin back in the grenade now, its already gone off and pieces of him are going to fly in all sorts of directions, he can feel it. Clamping down as hard as possible, he shuts down. He has to shut down.

He bites on his lip, he bites so hard it bleeds. 'I need to go' he finally manages. 'I need to go.'

Cal startles, tears streaming down his face. He looks haggard, lost, surprised Ethan has found his voice. 'Uh…ok, no, yeah we can go. We'll go and we'll figure everything out together ok? Ok buddy?'

Ethan just stares.

His big brother climbs to his feet, reaches down to help Ethan up. Ethan's on his feet. He pulls his arm from Cals. Manages two steps and the world tunnels and his legs give way.

'Ethan!'

'Whoa'

Charlie and Cal both move, grabbing his arms before he goes down completely.

He feels dizzy.

'What's wrong with him?' Cal panics, high pitched.

Charlie has a firm grip on his forearm. 'Shock'

Ethan scoffs. Shock? Of course he's shocked, but he's fine. He's numb, it's ok. He attempts to get up again. They hover and keep hold of his arms.

'I'm fine.'

Cal's wide eyed, pale, 'no you're not Ethan you just collapsed, Charlie I think we need the ambulance back here now, he could have…'

'Caleb! Stop!' Ethan shouts. 'Just stop. I'm fine, I'm cold, i just want to go.'

Charlie nods. 'Right lets just get him into my car ok? We'll check him out when we get back to Holby.'

Cal does not look appeased but he puts an arm around Ethan's waist and walks him towards the car. Slow and steady. 'Alright' he murmurs 'easy little brother…'

Ethan puts one foot in front of the other, he's back to feeling old again. His bones ache already, huntingtons? Or just because he's been sat so long on the cold beach? He doesn't know but he guesses this is his life now. The wondering, the constant guessing if this is it, if this is the beginning of the end?

Cal helps him into Charlie's car. He leans his head against the window as Cal wraps the blanket around him and he's suddenly hit with a mental image of his brother doing this in ten, twenty years time when Ethan's so far gone he doesn't recognize himself anymore. Well he doesn't want that. He doesn't want Cal giving up his life for him. He doesn't want any of this. He won't let that happen. He'll never let that happen. He just needs to think. He needs to think and go through his options. Because there are some. There are still some available to him.

Cal's saying something. It doesn't sound right, sounds distorted again. Ethan, sick and dizzy, closes his eyes. He shuts down again.

* * *

They arrive at Holby as the sky darkens and Cal steals another worried glance Ethan's way. He's spent the entire journey in total silence and Cal's not sure if he's even awake. He's held Ethan's wrist repeatedly and checked his pulse, still deeply concerned about the shock.

His heart had been in his mouth when Ethan had dropped, like a puppet with its strings cut. Just another item to add to his list of big brotherly failings today, failure to realize he was in medical shock.

Cal had attempted to talk to his brother several times but he'd been met with total silence and Cal and Charlie had exchanged worried glances in the mirror and other than Charlie checking in on what Ethan's pulse rate was like they'd spent the drive in relative silence.

Charlie pulls the car into a space and Cal leans over to his brother. He needs the contact. 'Ethan?' he questions gently. Placing a hand on his shoulder. 'Hey buddy, we're here.'

Ethan looks spaced out still, but he moves. Moves to get the door handle and Cal puts a hand out. 'Whoa, i'll get it ok?'

He's out of the car and around his brother's side, helping him out in a minute. Charlie flanks Ethan's other side and they make their way into the hospital. Connie spots them as soon as they walk in, she looks furious and makes a move forward until she must see something in Charlie's eyes and her expression changes instantly. She moves forward, slower now, more controlled, questioning.

'Ethan?' she asks, noticing the way Cal and Charlie are supporting his brother, the blanket draped around his shoulders. The glazed look in his eye.

Cal feels a rush of protectiveness and he tightens his hand around Ethan's waist. 'He's fine Mrs Beauchamp' he tells her. Shutting down her questions. 'We've just had a bit of a shock that's all.'

Her eyes search Cal's and he feels microscoped. Charlie silently meets her eyes and shakes his head. 'We've got this Connie, thanks'.

It's not often Connie is put in her place but she seems to respect Charlie and she nods. 'Call me if you need assistance Dr Knight'.

Cal tightens his hold on Ethan and walks him to a cubicle. He manoeuvres him to sit on the bed as Charlie gets another blanket. Ethan's still staring. He jolts though when Cal starts to undo the top button of his collar. 'What are you doing?'

Cal grips his brother's fingers. 'Come on Ethan, you know the deal with shock mate.' They both know that one of the first responses is to loosen clothing. It's a testament to the level of shock Ethan's in that he not only doesn't acknowledge this but seems confused by it.

'I'm fine'. He says back, tone clipped. 'I'm fine Caleb. I'm just cold.'

Sure. The fast pulse rate and the near collapse and the deathly pallor all agree with that lie. Cal's about to dispute his little brother's claim when Charlie nods his head to the curtain. Cal gets the code. He puts a hand on Ethan's shoulder. 'I'm going to grab you something sweet to drink ok, i'll be right back Ethan.' He pulls the blanket tighter around his little brother.

Ethan's back to staring again but at least he doesn't move. He sits quietly. Cal goes out to Charlie.

'What?'

He and Charlie make their way to the vending machine.

'We need to be careful how we tread here Cal' Charlie says and Cal knows he has years of experience with patients, and he knows their issues inside and out but this isn't just a patient it's Cal's little brother god damn it. This is Ethan and Cal can't just go by the book here.

'I know that Charlie, do you think I don't know that?'

Charlie puts his hands up placatingly.

'Sorry' Cal offers, 'I'm sorry I just…I'm having trouble getting my head around all this you know? I mean it's Ethan, it's my brother Charlie and he's going to…he's got…and I'm going to have to watch him slowly die like she did. And I can't…I…I can't Charlie…how do i…' he can't finish, tears blur his vision once more and he feels short of breath and light headed.

'Hey, hey! It's ok Cal' Charlie says and places a hand on his arm, moves him so he's leaning against the vending machine. 'Let it out ok? Let it out here because you're going to need to be strong for him back there alright?'

Cal heaves in air and squeezes his eyes shut tight.

'Just let it go' Charlie says gently. 'You're allowed to feel cheated, you've been through a huge shock today. Both of you.'

Cal brings his hands up to his face and tries to force the tears to stay in his eyes. He can't fall apart, he can't do this, not while Ethan's not shed a single tear since their mother died. He doesn't have the luxury to fall apart on him now.

Charlie puts his arms around him though and Cal can't help himself. He can't stop it. He grips the older man's scrubs and sobs, muffled, jolting sobs into his shoulder. Why did this have to happen? Why is the universe so intent on screwing him and Ethan over? First their mother, then Taylor, then Matilda, then their birth mother and now a god damned degenerative disease? How is this fair? How was any of this fair?

Not for the first time Cal curses his absent father for being their first link in the chain of bad luck and walking out on them. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

Feeling Charlie's arms around him, he's reminded not for the first time how nice it would have been to have had a dad who held him like this when times went to hell.

There's no point in thinking of him though. It only ever brought him misery. No he needs to be strong for Ethan now. He needs to hold him the way Charlie's holding Cal. Needs to be the one who stops looking to Ethan for constant support. Ethan's always been his safety net but Cal needs to return the favour this time. He needs to step up and be Ethan's big brother here.

Because Ethan is going to need him and he's not going to admit that. Cal knows his brother, knows how many years Ethan's spent looking out for his mom and then Cal, how strong his little brother is, how fierce in his unwavering support and steady hand. Well that hand isn't going to be steady for long and that kills Cal inside, but Cal can step up. Cal can be there, he can let Ethan rage and rail against this illness, can let his brother take it out on him or with him, he'll be there when Ethan crashes and when he needs picking up. Ethan isn't used to leaning on anyone but Cal needs to make sure he knows he can lean on him this time, that he doesn't need to be the strong one anymore.

Face still pressed into Charlie's shoulder, chest still heaving he makes Ethan a silent promise. 'I'm your safety net now i promise you Ethan, I promise you'. He pulls himself together. He straightens up, thanks Charlie and turns back to the vending machine. Ethan needs something sweet, it's good for shock. He pulls out some change and keys in the code for a can. Charlie presses for 2.

'You need something as well Cal' he tells him and Cal is startled to see his own hands are still shaking. He nods. Opens one and swallows down a fizzy, sweet mouthful. He feels a little better already. Ok. Ok he can do this now. One step at a time. Get this to Ethan, see him through the shock, then both home to sleep. Then in the morning they'll talk through where their heads are at, he'll be whatever Ethan needs him to be. He can do this.

He and Charlie fall into step and head back, and Cal straightens himself, steels himself for the big brother show, for the role he now needs to completely embody for Ethan. He can do this. He can. He can be the support, the safety net now. He can.

He pulls back the curtain.

Ethan is gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note:** Thanks again my beautiful people for all your kind reviews. Hope you like the next installment. I've had to try and tweak a bit as Charlie didn't find out about the huntingtons diagnosis as I'd assumed he would. Enjoy the ep tonight. Love you guys.

* * *

The voicemail beeps obnoxiously in Cal's ear and he swears violently causing Robyn to turn and shoot him a concerned look.

'Call me. Seriously Ethan.'

He hangs up. This is the hundredth time in a week he's called. His hands shake. Not with the huntingtons which he'd feared these past weeks but with pure unadulterated physical fear.

 _'I need time.'_ Three words. That was all Cal had gotten from his brother after he absconded from the hospital. A pitiful 3 word text but it was what he was clinging to in those times when he was downright terrified, waking up in a sick sweat with the image of his brother stood on a bridge or hanging from the ceiling or o'd on the bathroom floor. Cal read the text again, he'd read it countless times since he'd received it an hour after Ethan had disappeared. Before his younger brother's phone had been turned off to civilisation, to Cal.

It's Cal's first day back. He's been going crazy the past week. Quietly and solitarily crazy. He'd called and told Connie Ethan wouldn't be in. He had no idea where he was, how he was doing, what state he was in. Dealing with this alone. Cal wanted him close to him. Wanted to be at his side, supporting and consoling and being whatever he needed to be. But Ethan, typical Ethan had shut down and pushed away as close to form as ever.

 _'I need time.'_

What did that even mean? Time to what? Time to take himself out? Time to sort his head out? Time to what? Cal couldn't stop the worst case scenarios running through his head. He was angry. Angry with Ethan for putting him through this. For thinking three words would be enough to stop him going out of his mind. He knows his brother. Knows ordinarily Ethan's the last kind of person who'd do anything stupid. He's not the reckless type. But Ethan's never been dealt a blow like this. Has never been told that everything in his life was going to end darkly, earlier and in total implosion of his physical, emotional and mental state.

He goes outside for a breather. He can't focus right now.

And suddenly Ethan's there. Walking up, briefcase in hand.

He must have come back to the flat then.

Cal's instantly before him. 'Where've you been?' Something unfurls in his chest and he feels relief wipe through him. Ethan's silent and trying not to meet his gaze but he finally does and seems to acknowledge Cal's panic when he mentioned how worried he'd been.

Then Charlie's there. Trying to talk to them both and Ethan walks away from him into the hospital without even a word and Cal watches darkly as the doors shut behind him, literally and metaphorically.

His brother's only on the other side of that entrance but he might as well be a million miles away.

* * *

Ethan's white knuckled today. Totally white knuckled it. Tried to keep his head down and work and get on with it but every time he does someone pops up with some well meaning advice or a sympathetic attempt at conversation. Or even worse. Cal tries to talk.

Ethan's angry. He's spent the entire week in a state of total and complete shock that gave way to rage as easy as anything. He wishes he didn't know. Wishes he'd never opened the damned results. Wishes he could put back that letter into the envelope and throw it out to the god forsaken sea. He's so angry. His hands curl and uncurl as Connie dismisses him to minors. Incapable of doing his job then? He has to look at her a moment and make sure she's just talking about his mother's death, not the diagnosis. It seems that finally, finally, his brother has learned to keep his mouth shut and hasn't broadcast anything to the department. Good. He needs it to stay that way. He sees no need to tell anyone anything yet. He just wants to live his life, what's left of it, doing what he did before. Trying to save people. It's what he knows, what he's good at. He's going to keep doing that.

On the second day alone in the hotel room, researching huntingtons over and over again his anger becomes focussed on his brother. Why did Cal do it? Why did he go behind his back? Why did he desecrate Ethan's life to this degree? Sure he has form, he's done it before, swept into Ethan's life, swept out of it leaving everything in disarray, in chaos. But this is different. This is so much worse.

He knows it's unfair. He knows it's not Cal's fault. Not entirely. Cal can't create a genetic mutation. But Ethan is just so very furious. So full of bitterness right now. It's not fair. It's not fair that Cal gets to turn his world upside down in a moment and once again emerge totally and completely unscathed. Why? Why him? Why was it always Ethan who drew the short straw in their crappy excuse for a history.

What horrific things must he have done in a past life to deserve the luck he's had lately.

He looks at Lily's patient file and he hears a laugh and he looks up and his brother's there. Flirting with a nurse. Leaning against a pillar, looking for all the world like he has nothing to worry about. Nothing on his shoulders, free of the burden now. Ethan sees red.

It's everything he'll never have. Stood in front of him laughing.

And he loses it at Lily and he storms away and he heads to the locker room, gets out of his scrubs. Finishes his shift before he should. He is done today. He is absolutely and completely done.

He's barely out of the doors before Cal catches up with him. 'Ethan?' He keeps walking. Shuts down the rage, shuts down the injustice and the barely contained fury brewing inside.

But when Cal grabs him, turns him around 'right now i'm all you've got.'

Ethan wants to scream.

I don't _want_ you Cal.

He doesn't want anyone, least of all the person who's inadvertently brought all of this horror to light. They'd been doing better he and Cal, after Matilda, during Matilda, they'd come to a place of real brotherhood. Of real, closeness, of the like Ethan had worried they'd never reach.

And now now he just feels rage. Pure hot rage.

'You know when you fail at being a doctor, or give up, you should try counselling.' he spits out. Venom lacing the clinical tone.

Cal grabs him, and pushes him.

Ethan shakes his head, once. Don't.

Cal's pushing him, shoving him hard. 'Do it, just hit me!'

Ethan won't stop. He knows. He knows if he swings at Cal now he won't stop hitting him and the danger, the absolute certainty of that terrifies him, chills him deep down. Caleb has no idea just how dangerous Ethan can be. Just how dark the feelings run within him. Just how far he could go.  
He does what he's always done. He takes a breath, he reigns himself in. He walks away. Cal doesn't get the satisfaction of Ethan losing it. What good will beating Cal to a bloody mess do? It won't change the fact that Ethan has a death sentence hanging over his head. It won't change this feeling of grief, of rage, of loss deep within his heart. What would it do?

He walks and keeps walking, can feel Cal's eyes boring into the back of his skull. When he gets to his car he puts his head in his hands and lets out a shaky exhale. And then he beats the steering wheel to within an inch of its life instead. 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' He screams, palms bruising with the force with which he attacks the rubber.

Then he stops. He puts the key in the ignition and drives. There's a minibar in his hotel room and Ethan's going to drink tonight. He's going to drink so much that he forgets this, forgets everything. He's going to get totally and utterly obliterated.

* * *

Cal watches Ethan's car drive away. 'Good one Cal' he mutters under his breath. Great idea that was, pushing Ethan, shoving him, trying to provoke a reaction, cos that's always worked out so well in the past. He's filled with self loathing and guilt. What Ethan needed was careful handling right now and patience not what Cal had just done. It was just so easy though, so simple to fall back into his old routine for dealing with his brother. For getting a reaction outside of the antiseptic Ethan bubble.

In the past he'd admit he'd love to make Ethan lose it. It had been one of his favourite past times growing up. Pushing his little brother into a reaction. Ethan was just so uptight, just so controlled that watching him lose it was strangely and selfishly fascinating. So Cal pushed. Cal pushed all growing up, pushed by shoving him into a door and got punched in the face for it when Ethan was 9, pushed by stealing Tina Pitman a girl he knew very well Ethan cared about when Ethan was 16. Pushed when Ethan announced he wanted to be a doctor by showing up at his graduation ceremony blind off his face drunk and getting another fist to the face for the trouble. Pushed with Lily, pushed with Taylor, pushed with Matilda. Cal was a button pusher.

And he was ashamed of himself for that.

He told himself he did it for Ethan, that Ethan needed to let go. More than anyone Cal had ever known his brother needed to let go. It wasn't healthy to be that trapped inside yourself. That firmly locked down. Ethan ran deep. A lot deeper than anyone else Cal knew. But when he lost it. When you got to see that fire, that loss of control. It was almost terrifying. Cal rarely saw it but it was almost intoxicating to see Ethan go, to see that look in his eye.

He'd come close tonight. After he pushed him, after the second shove Ethan had looked at him. A warning. And there'd been a second where Cal had thought 'oh here it comes, there he goes'. But then he'd shut it down again. Shut down, back in the bubble, back under control. Ethan is the master of control.

It's something that Cal simply can not comprehend. He's never controlled. It's not an aspect of his personality in any way. He can't shut down his emotions. Has never been able to do that. It's why he'd been so shocked to discover he and Ethan were biological brothers after the adoption reveal. Because they really were totally different. Total and complete different sides of the coin.

Ethan was light, Cal was dark. Ethan had the kind, caring nature. Cal had the easy flirtatious manner, the comfortable way to glide through life. Ethan worried, Cal was carefree. Cal was the runner, Ethan was the stable one. 'Hardy' indeed. Well Cal had never lived up to the name, hadn't wanted it, it never suited him being Caleb Hardy. It suited Ethan to a tee.

Cal heaves a sigh and heads back to his own car. He wishes Ethan would just come home, would just let them try and deal with this together. They balance each other out, the two of them. Positives and negatives. North Pole and South, that's he and Ethan. They need to deal with this together.

But as he gets back into his car he can't get a single thought out of his head. That he'd just blown his only real chance to get Ethan to trust him with this. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down to his brother's number.

 _'I'm sorry.'_ He writes. Pockets the phone, and drives off into the night.


End file.
